Archive for the ‘Bonding : Family building’ Category

Why am I beginning to feel that communication with growing up kids is getting tougher? These days feel that I need to wear “bullet proof” vest before I get injured by “word” ammunitions. 

When our kids were babies and toddlers…..

 We used to think that communication was tough. Those were the days when our babies could only communicate through their cries and as first time parent, we had to struggle with interpreting the different meanings of the cries.

As they progress…..

We pride ourselves over every new word they learn even if it means communicating with popular “parent-child codes” like “mumm mumm” (eat), “shee shee” (pass urine), “orh orh” (sleep).

When our young children get disobedient and when lecturing or even reminders fall on deaf ears, we wish our children could be old enough to understand the kind meanings behind our words soon and longing for that one day when they could communicate at our level of maturity.

Then, when that day comes, we are suddenly awakened by the fact that communicating with older children is by no means easier…..

With a pre-teen at home, I have a social circle of mothers who have children also going through the same stage.

(A friend shared her concern that her 13-year-old boy has become reserved and quiet but surprisingly become chatty when with friends. Some other parents  are bothered that their children have become challenging to speak to and often challenge, talk back or even prefer that their parents do not probe too much.)

Myself? My pre-teen is often challenging me with “Why cannot?”, “My friends are doing this and that and I do not see why I can’t”, “BUT…xxxyyy”.

Do I see a similarity in pre-teens or teens? Yes. Of course. Eg. getting impatient or even adopting “care less attitude” at the slightest advices or taking ages to follow-up with parental instructions or preferring to spend hours on FB communicating with friends.  To be honest, I fret when our boy started to argue.  Had heart-to-heart talk with our boy. When whatever reasonings I give does not seem to penetrate into that defensive wall, I learn that it could be more effective to cool down and then revisit the topic a day or two later.  It is by no means easy for parents as we have to master our tolerance and maintain our cool as our kids start to defy and talk back.

That day, Papa Ed was commenting that Brendan does not seem to share with him as much personal life information as he does with me. Our boy talks to his dad alot about movies, news update, general developments but hardly about his personal matters.

Despite the fact that our kids are challenging us more in conversations these days, I find it generally comforting that both boys still fill their mother in with their everyday happenings enthusiastically and share with me their unhappiness/happiness and problems encountered in their daily lives. 

At least, it makes me feel that a pair of  listening ears matters much to them and I would love to play this role for a long time to come. I am a strong believer that it is more genuine to communicate in person instead of via emails, smses, watsapp.

——-

As parents, communications with our children does not have to be mainly “instructions”, “reprimands” and “questions”.    Constantly communicate, be open and honest, be enthusiastic, listen and show empathy…..

Through my personal interactions with our boys, it occurs that these approaches might help when communicating with our growing up children:

Listen - listen to their thoughts, their opinions, show empathy and enthusiasm as appropriate (our children will find it welcoming that we respect their thoughts, share their joy instead of us putting our thoughts on them all the time).

Communicate regularly and don’t make it a habit to use “busy as an excuse to shut off communications - Do not shut our children up when they want to talk. A friend was sharing that day whether generally many parents would shoo their children off by reciprocating their children’s conversations with “I am busy, do not disturb”, “later”, “please do not ask so much”, “how old are you now? please talk like an adult.” Whatever busy schedules we have, it’s important to communicate within a family.

Do not discriminate talk-back - our growing up children often like to be respected that they have a mind of their own and as long as it is reasonable, parents do not have to always adopt the “I am right” and “How dare you” attitude. What is communication if it is not a two-way traffic? Frankly, it’s not unusual for me to encounter talk-backs which ended up as “argumentative debates” with Brendan. At least, we get to hear each other’s views and our boy needs to learn how to make decisions. To be honest, I get upset along the way but on second thought, I would be more concerned if he agrees to everything I say and hide that secret resentment.

Embrace any topic of conversations - when our children are enthusiastic to talk and regardless the topic of conversation, BE ALL EARS.  I try not to turn our boys down whenever they have the enthusiasm to fill me in with topics. Keep to our promise to listen later if we are really busy at that moment.

Open up our hearts - share casual conversations, jokes, feelings or even make efforts to talk about topics that our children enjoy.

Trust - Be consistent in what we say and maintain privacy if that’s what our children want.

I am not endowed with a natural flair to communicate effectively with every age group but just like our kids, I am learning all the time to adjust to our kids- to be a better listener, to be more accepting when our kids start speaking with a mind of their own, not to be offended when our kids argue with the most nonsensical theories and to take deep breath when our kids turn deaf ears to our advices.  I have my fair share of disappointments when our boys misinterpret our advices as unreasonable and challenge us with hurting words. 

It’s not easy but I guess I am starting right by - FIILTERING the unpleasant words, putting down that EGO and being more ATTENTIVE each day at a time.

The mother-in-law’s and daughter-in-law’s tales are nothing new to us.  I am glad that I am not part of these tales since my mother-in-law is residing in USA.  This, somehow, presents the benefits of one less opinion in parenting.

I understand how confusing it can be for the children if more than one parenting approach is used and how others’ intervention in the parenting process can lead to difficulties for the parents.

I was brought up obeying my mom’s every single instruction, at least until I got married.  Being the only child, mom naturally adopted an extremely protective approach over me when I was young and gradually I grew up absorbing superstitious tales and myths.  Frankly, I was a fearful little girl then because I was warned of consequences eg. “Don’t go near the dog, it would bite!” , “Don’t attend wakes or even walk past a wake site because it would bring bad luck“, “Don’t board the lift in case it should break down“.  When I grow up, the myth continues eg “Don’t dress in black at night” , “Don’t let kids walk over or sit on their books because it will make them less intelligent.”

Out of respect, I obeyed .  At least till I began to judge what I could or could not adopt blindly especially when I am wary that my own children are learning.  Like many others, I outgrow the myths that I was taught and the fears that were earlier built in me.  Today, being a parent myself, I know it is not suitable to adopt some of the methods that were used in my/Ed’s upbringing and I will not want to build the same self-confidence damper on our boys.

Our boys’ versions

Some of the days, we would hear our boys making a comparison between how they are treated by granny (my mom) vs us (me and Ed).

“I prefer Ah Ma’s (granny’s) lunch and not yours because she knows I like my bee hoon soup plain and hence do not add any other dishes unlike you.” , ”If Ah Ma can bathe and feed me, why can’t you?” , ”Ah Ma lets me sleep as long as I like and she helps me with all the washing”, “You say must respect parents. Ah Ma tells us to do this and that and you are not following her instructions”, “Ah Ma says even you have to obey her and so do we”.

— Speechless —

We could spend lots of efforts explaining to our kids the importance of being independant, self-help, nutritional values and even self-discipline or being organised in life.  However, when there is another upbringing method for them,  a way that conveniences their lives, I have suddenly become Cinderalla’s nasty step mother.  It costs me my job to adopt one upbringing method and correct their mentalities. I am glad that phase of misconceptions is over:)

Granny’s versions

Granny: “Are you allowing Brendan to come home alone by public transport?”

Mommy:”Yes. It’s time he learns since he is in Sec 1 now.”

Granny:”It’s so risky. Since you are not working, why can’t you fetch him?”

Mommy:”He has to learn to be independant.”

Granny:”Kids told me that you left them alone at home sometimes.”

Mommy:”It’s only for a while. Moreover, Brendan is old enough to take care of himself and his brother.”

Granny:”No. I told the kids the next time you leave them at home, they must inform me because it’s dangerous. Also, have you heard of kidnapping cases? Please do not let them go the the public toilet without your company. Oh yeah! I also told Brendan that it’s dangerous to board the lift alone because he has been trapped before.”

Mommy: “They are growing up kids and we cannot be watching them or teaching them to be fearful as if they are young babies.”

— Speechless —

My opinion: Encourage and teach our children to overcome fear and handle difficult circumstances but not hinder them. I admit that I feel reluctant to LET GO but with Papa Ed’s support, I am progressing without tears and I hope our boys will be motivated to learn their own lifeskills as they progress and not be stagnated. I know we are trying not to show that our heart aches badly but still we can’t avoid being misunderstood.

….when our leeway in parenting is facing an ultimate challenge.  I have never stopped appreciating that the intention is good.  However, 3rd party’s intervention can be a serious concern especially when it undermines the parents’ authority and method of upbringing.

In this society when most couples have to strive between work and family, our children often have to learn different sets of “behavioural theories”, having been taken care by two or more parties.  There’s often a higher price to pay when our leeway in parenting is being compromised. 

Today, as I see it, I wonder how incentives like Baby Bonus could continue to encourage couples to start a family.  There are concerns like children’s upbringing or childcare besides educational stress, high living expenses, competitive society, extended families’ relationships and others.

No doubt, I still maintain that parenting is by far the most fruitful journey in my life. However, it’s no longer about bringing home enough money to feed our children and improve their qualities of life …. it’s so much more about our children’s quality in character and seeking other’s understandings to help us be the PARENT we are responsible to be.

Isn’t it?

Brendan: “Ready to march towards the new year?”

Darren: ”YES! Sir!”

Brendan: “But I still wish the year and holidays never end. I had so much fun! “

Indeed. Our boys had a blasting time at the closure of 2011.  Why? why? Why do happy times always sweep past like a wind? 

2011…

Great irony in my life ….. Made a bold step to put my career on standstill in second half of 2011 to commit fully to family. 

In 2010, when people asked me whether I would take a break from career, I would just laugh it off and asked “For What?”. 

In 2011, I guess my mother’s instinct came knocking and I had this idea that I would take a break, balance up our boys’ stressful studying life and holistic development and finally be more equipped as a mother and cook.  Suddenly, overnight I become a full-time cook, cleaner, tutor, logistics coordinator and everything it takes to be a homemaker.  To be complete, I felt like I was also sitting for Primary School Leaving Exams. 

[No. I did not study for Brendan but those planning of study materials, arrangement of tutorial sessions, preparation for Direct School Admission exercise --- felt like such a challenge.]

The decision to give up an additional income for the family was a struggle and I admit that it does concern me whether I would be losing out when I rejoin the workforce.  Frankly, it took me a few months to adjust and just when I am beginning to adapt to a 24/7  homemaker lifestyle and an extremely buzzling school holidays filled with kids’  joy and excitement, the new year has sped into our lives. 

[It's only 1st day of school and I am so missing the noisy bickering, the constant calling out for "mommy", the hilarious laughters and their company.]

I would say the last 7 months of 2011 is one of my most fulfilling period in my life as a MOTHER.   Considering that there is no gain without loss, in return for a cast aside career path, our family was compensated by a closer bonding, better understanding of our boys and I have never felt as complete “a mother” as before.  Our boys have a fabulous and entertained school holidays and  a full 1.5 month that we have enjoyed thoroughly together - seriously my happiest year-end period.

2012…

A new and challenging education phase for Brendan, a possible year of transition for a pre-teen.  A new class and study environment for Darren.  Me? I am hesitating…. perhaps a new career again?

It’s definitely a start to a year with much changes and new beginning.

2011, I realised my dream as a more committed mother. All these years, I have my share of experiences of managing 2 children.

2012, I have to learn to be committed in other ways.  Greatest challenges - parenting approach for teen, better grasp of secondary echool education, better communications with our boys….So, it is about understand and be understood.

Handling teen’s changing behaviour/physical developments, a totally different dimension to secondary education and granting independance - certainly sound ALIEN to me now.  

On my top priority, I believe I would need a sustained positive attitude, open mindset, youthful zest and WALK ON……The key to a happier 2012.