The mother-in-law’s and daughter-in-law’s tales are nothing new to us.  I am glad that I am not part of these tales since my mother-in-law is residing in USA.  This, somehow, presents the benefits of one less opinion in parenting.

I understand how confusing it can be for the children if more than one parenting approach is used and how others’ intervention in the parenting process can lead to difficulties for the parents.

I was brought up obeying my mom’s every single instruction, at least until I got married.  Being the only child, mom naturally adopted an extremely protective approach over me when I was young and gradually I grew up absorbing superstitious tales and myths.  Frankly, I was a fearful little girl then because I was warned of consequences eg. “Don’t go near the dog, it would bite!” , “Don’t attend wakes or even walk past a wake site because it would bring bad luck“, “Don’t board the lift in case it should break down“.  When I grow up, the myth continues eg “Don’t dress in black at night” , “Don’t let kids walk over or sit on their books because it will make them less intelligent.”

Out of respect, I obeyed .  At least till I began to judge what I could or could not adopt blindly especially when I am wary that my own children are learning.  Like many others, I outgrow the myths that I was taught and the fears that were earlier built in me.  Today, being a parent myself, I know it is not suitable to adopt some of the methods that were used in my/Ed’s upbringing and I will not want to build the same self-confidence damper on our boys.

Our boys’ versions

Some of the days, we would hear our boys making a comparison between how they are treated by granny (my mom) vs us (me and Ed).

“I prefer Ah Ma’s (granny’s) lunch and not yours because she knows I like my bee hoon soup plain and hence do not add any other dishes unlike you.” , ”If Ah Ma can bathe and feed me, why can’t you?” , ”Ah Ma lets me sleep as long as I like and she helps me with all the washing”, “You say must respect parents. Ah Ma tells us to do this and that and you are not following her instructions”, “Ah Ma says even you have to obey her and so do we”.

— Speechless —

We could spend lots of efforts explaining to our kids the importance of being independant, self-help, nutritional values and even self-discipline or being organised in life.  However, when there is another upbringing method for them,  a way that conveniences their lives, I have suddenly become Cinderalla’s nasty step mother.  It costs me my job to adopt one upbringing method and correct their mentalities. I am glad that phase of misconceptions is over:)

Granny’s versions

Granny: “Are you allowing Brendan to come home alone by public transport?”

Mommy:”Yes. It’s time he learns since he is in Sec 1 now.”

Granny:”It’s so risky. Since you are not working, why can’t you fetch him?”

Mommy:”He has to learn to be independant.”

Granny:”Kids told me that you left them alone at home sometimes.”

Mommy:”It’s only for a while. Moreover, Brendan is old enough to take care of himself and his brother.”

Granny:”No. I told the kids the next time you leave them at home, they must inform me because it’s dangerous. Also, have you heard of kidnapping cases? Please do not let them go the the public toilet without your company. Oh yeah! I also told Brendan that it’s dangerous to board the lift alone because he has been trapped before.”

Mommy: “They are growing up kids and we cannot be watching them or teaching them to be fearful as if they are young babies.”

— Speechless —

My opinion: Encourage and teach our children to overcome fear and handle difficult circumstances but not hinder them. I admit that I feel reluctant to LET GO but with Papa Ed’s support, I am progressing without tears and I hope our boys will be motivated to learn their own lifeskills as they progress and not be stagnated. I know we are trying not to show that our heart aches badly but still we can’t avoid being misunderstood.

….when our leeway in parenting is facing an ultimate challenge.  I have never stopped appreciating that the intention is good.  However, 3rd party’s intervention can be a serious concern especially when it undermines the parents’ authority and method of upbringing.

In this society when most couples have to strive between work and family, our children often have to learn different sets of “behavioural theories”, having been taken care by two or more parties.  There’s often a higher price to pay when our leeway in parenting is being compromised. 

Today, as I see it, I wonder how incentives like Baby Bonus could continue to encourage couples to start a family.  There are concerns like children’s upbringing or childcare besides educational stress, high living expenses, competitive society, extended families’ relationships and others.

No doubt, I still maintain that parenting is by far the most fruitful journey in my life. However, it’s no longer about bringing home enough money to feed our children and improve their qualities of life …. it’s so much more about our children’s quality in character and seeking other’s understandings to help us be the PARENT we are responsible to be.

Isn’t it?