Archive for the ‘Bonding : Family building’ Category

What warms my heart….

When I was young, I lived in a big kampung that was populated with Singaporeans of different races. We would run over to each other’s front yards and play together. We loved festive seasons because from the open backyards came the aroma of the freshly-baked cookies/cakes and piping hot cuisines. Then we would play common games and sang “Chan Mali Chan” together even though the Chinese, Indians or Eurasians might not understand the lyrics. This was how we were raised assimiliating into each other’s culture and living in harmony regardless of languages, religions or races.

In today’s Singapore, our young ones celebrate Racial Harmony Day and they are taught not to discriminate against other races. During festive seasons, I still get to enjoy the cookies shared by my Indian and Malay friends and have gladly attended traditional weddings of our fellow brothers and sisters of other races. 

As Singaporeans who were borned and raised here, we have learned to respect each other’s culture, way of life and cuisines. Besides the school, our two boys have been introduced to the rich culture of fellow Singaporeans and even that of other countries (Re: Our earlier post on visit to Little India). When our boy discussed with us the theme of his artwork for Racial Harmony Day, we have shared with him what it means for Singaporeans to unite, be tolerant, co-exist in harmony and be gracious towards others.

Part of Brendan’s school art assignment to display the kids’ support for racial harmony 

The Irony….

When the recent case of the “Cooking Curry” incident blew out of proportion, our boy was following the news too.

“So, does it mean that new citizen who migrate to Singapore can dictate our locals when they can cook curry? Aren’t we taught to be more tolerant and respectful of others? So, can we also go tell our neighbour to eat durians only when we are not home since the smell makes me nausea and I can’t concentrate?”

[The solution endorsed by the authority puzzled his young mind. It confused our young one that he could complain to authority over the most minute matter including aroma of food and create mountains out of molehills.]

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When our schools and parents have been inculcating in our children the importance of racial harmony and progressing towards a gracious society, what has been done to ensure that the influx of immigrants into Singapore is assisted or indeed integrated into our society/culture, social issues are avoided and racial harmony remains uncompromised (not even to mention moving towards a gracious society as ONE SINGAPORE)?

I am not against immigration or emigration. My family, too, had considered the option to emigrate or reside in a foreign land for some years previously.  That’s when I started to read more, research and seriously asked myself whether I would miss my country, my relatives, my friends and get used to my new environment with my family.

While emigrating…….

- It is  an important consideration for migrants to understand more about another country’s culture, lifestyle and many other factors before they make a serious consideration to take up the citizenship there.

[Simply google and we can find out more about other's cultures, living conditions and cuisines. Then, it is also not difficult to find out that our Singaporean cuisines include Indian Curry, Malay curry puff and Chinese curry chicken noodles.]

- Learning to assimilate into new environment and accept/integrate into other’s culture is critical.  Not to discriminate other’s culture and standard of living is being polite and considerate.

- If I had made the choice to be part of a new country, I would learn to embrace their way of life and at least make more local friends than foes.

- It is hard to adapt but do not intervene in local’s lives.

- Remember a neighbour could be more helpful than a distant relative (even a Chinese proverb teaches that).

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Seriously, not to mention the sentiments of adults. From the minds of our younger generations : they might be CONFUSED.  On one hand, they were taught to accept, tolerate and respect. Then, what have they learned from the lesson on ”the endorsed discrimination of a local cooking a Singaporean cuisine in her own compound OR allowed to cook curry only when our new citizen is not at home.”

[Even I am confused. When we wrote a complaint to HDB years ago of a neighbour, living below our unit who burned incense papers every single day in her balcony with daily smokes crowding our rooms and affecting the nasal condition of our baby, the officer mediated by informing us that she has the rights to perform her religious ritual within her premises and it is sensitive to mention religion. So, what's the problem now for someone to cook their local food at home?]

While we endeavour to move towards a more gracious society and upkeep the tolerance, acceptance and co-existance spirits in Singapore, our kids are fast to learn otherwise too from what they hear, see and read in their everyday lives. What is taught has to be consistent with how the growing society acts or there will be two words to describe their little minds : CONFUSED and INCONSISTENCY.

It’s only human.

When we are criticised…

we tend to take that defensive approach and start to DISAGREE.  It is even more true when our children pass negative remarks on us.

When our kids talk back…

we are quick to judge it as being RUDE and DEFIANT.

I remember how my mom would often stand to her defence with that common remark (literally translated as) :”I eat salt more than you eat rice” when I commented on her. Then she would get angry and refused to talk to me for days.

[She meant that she has more life experience and I am not qualified to give her any word of advice. Noting that my mom is quick in taking comments sensitively, I have been cautious to pass any negative remarks on her all these years.]

As a parent today…

I am not spared from challenges and mini lectures or nagging reminders or talking back from our boys either. Especially when I have a soon turning 12 pre-teen, this trend is becoming common each day.

Honestly, at first, I was offended. I couldn’t accept that our mini boy, who has been a child in my eyes, is in a position to “BOSS” me. In fact, I felt the need to defend and even retaliate with lectures for our boy once I sensed the hostility against me. At the end, both sides got upset. I know by using the “I am your mom” approach, I could get our boy to give upat least for that moment.  However, the “debate” returned on another day.

As the frequencies increase, I start to realise….

Hey! Our boy is growing and he is starting to have a mind of his own. When he senses something that is not sensible, he has the right to question.  More often than we think is necessary, our kids need to be convinced more than to be commanded.

We teach our kids not to be reserved, voice out their concerns/doubts and be prepared to be a responsible adult. Yet, we are often not open-minded enough to let them voice out at home. By defending even when we might not be right, are we really teaching them to be responsible beings who admit their mistakes and get along with others? By shutting them up with mono-syllabus replies like “STOP!” and “QUIET!”, we might be merely building resentment.

It’s so natural for us to draw a clear boundary of no-nonsense from our kids with remarks like:

“Is this how you talk to your father?”, “What I am doing is none of your business and it is not up to you to lecture me.”, “I am your mother and I do not need you to remind me or tell me what to do!” and “I say do this means you do it. Please do not argue or challenge me!”

Sounds familiar? 

I have learned to accept changes and reality….

Parent’s ego does not apply here. It is about listening, agreeing and respecting the young minds.  When we consider our kids young, they often develop faster than we thought.

Now, I am learning to respond according to situations. In the past when our elder boy starts VOICING OUT his UNHAPPINESS or CHALLENGE ME on my OPINIONS/INSTRUCTIONS, I would be fast to reprimand. Then, I realise it is important to explain too because the tricks lie in our kids not being convinced and having doubts to follow instuctions blindly.

Like the other day, Brendan was “lecturing” me that I should remember to turn on the power supply of his computer notebook when it is in use or it will end up with flat battery when he starts it next. I kept quiet. Then he went on and on…Ha! I know in the past I would just say “I don’t need you to teach your mother what to do.”

But then, I decided to change my approach. The approach is simple. I just had to agree with his reasonable nagging and  replied “okay” (remember it has to be REASONABLE).  Strangely, the nagging stopped.

[Give our young one a little respect and they will give it back.]

Then on other occasions, he would go “Mommy, you should this…..that…. OR Why …….”. I realised that it is easier to manage situation without taking offence and by agreeing with a “Okay” or explaining in light-hearted atmosphere, I am allowing our boy to voice reasonable requests/concerns and letting him know that his views are being respected.

In fact, it brings us a step closer:)

Does It Hurt to Say “Okay”?

I am glad that I am gradually learning that it is “OKAY” for our children to point out our mistakes. Nobody is perfect and by reflecting and showing them that we are willing to admit our mistakes, we are teaching them to be responsible for their actions. I know only by NOT JUMPING to our defence, it will encourage our kids to open their hearts and tell us their views and concerns and their displeasure with us.

Why not? Especially when a seriously regarded reply of “Okay” wins us Family Peace and Kids’ respect?

As parents, it is often judgement call as to what is considered as an appropriate set of behaviours and at which development stage of our young ones. While others might deem it as offensive for their kids to talk back or voice their opinions on their parents, I think it is perfectly alright (the clue lies in listening to the content of challenge first. I do put my foot down when our kids get unreasonable at times). Communications tear down walls between parents and kids. I would rather that our boys voice it out than store the displeasure in them. At least, it clears the air, bringing us a step closer.

Frankly, from now on I should start getting concerned only when our boys stop voicing out or challenging us.

As far as I could remember, I spent a big part of my life studying and just when I obtained my “official adulthood status”, I have been mastering the art of keyboard hitting skill - day after day. Next I knew, our first boy came along and I had been so busy juggling between that journey at work and parenting young children that I really couldn’t juggle with perfecting my housework skill at home.  Most of these years, I have been relying on domestic helpers, many of whom have given me much headaches and finally a wonderful hubby who helped out much at housework, knowing I was stressed up at work.

Admittedly, I am not used to keeping a whole house perfectly spick and span by myself especially when it is never possible to achieve complete tidiness at home with children. Now that I have become a full-time homemaker, my physical energy can become fully drained.  My family fully understands that I have a high cleanliness standard and it is exactly this same standard that burns so much of my calories everyday. Looking on the bright side, perhaps, I should gloat in happiness that my pants are now drooping down my waist and my watches can now be rotated around my wrists *hurray*.

Yes, I can indeed be so clumsy when it comes to housework.  Slipping on wet floor, forgetting to turn off gas stove (until hours later, thank goodness there was no hazard), burning my hand, forgetting to turn on tap of washing machine many times, turning on warmer instead of on/off switch of air-conditioner…..

[Hee, Papa Ed definitely has to increase insurance coverage. However, it can't be blamed especially when my attention is needed by many at the same time.]

Being a homemaker can be distracting

On most days, I hear one boy shouting :”Mommy, come, I can’t find my book/socks etc.” Then on other days, I have another boy chasing me with :”Mommy, how much longer do you need to finish cooking?” Sometimes, the phone starts ringing non-stop and on other days, Yuki’s poo bothers me and sets me answering phone or cleaning the pee tray and puts aside what I am originally doing. Then, when I was about to take a bath, it is time to bring our boys for lessons again. When I am done with one distraction, I am off with another.

I never like the idea of chores half-done and have been waking up earlier than usual so that I could also spend time with our boy and Yuki as well. When I thought that a day’s chores are completed, then I wake up in dismay to spot an untidy room again.  “Hey! Which house is complete with the presence of kids if it is not filled with the mess created by children?” I often consoled myself.

Yet as the distractions go on, somehow, I am glad when our boys are home. At least, they remind me to turn off the gas stove, act as my alarm clock that it is time to prepare meals, help answer to door bells/phone calls and assist in household chores like mopping floor.  Haha, roping in our boys to help with light chores is an useful idea:) At least, now they understand why adults frown when cleaned places are dirtied almost instantaneously and they take pride in the places that they helped pack *as long as the other one doesn’t mess it up soon”.

No “Short-cuts” in household chores and caring for well-beings of our family

To me, there are no “shortcuts” in completing the chores and caring for well-beings of our family. I guess I could have the easier way out sometimes. However, I did not take that option. Many of us take the extra effort to bake, cook and go marketing early so that our family could have more nutritional meals and meals that they give a thumbs up. I could have cleaned the house less regularly but I still clean often to prevent an allergy attack on Darren especially when he has a sensitive nose. I know most mothers are like me. It sets our minds at ease and happy when we have the well-beings of our family taken care of - at the expense of our rest.

[Sometimes, I wonder how much battery life I have per day to keep myself physically and mentally energised. Yet, it is amazing that when we are doing all these for the family, somehow, the determination is strong.]

There’s no guidebook for Homemaker

I believe even if there were a guidebook for Homemaker, it would be impractical for me. Papa Ed often remarks that my standard is too high. When it comes to cleaning standard, it is subject to different conditions and environments and I know nobody can impose a common standard. No amount of education, too, has helped me to solve household chores questions.

It is interesting that when I used to read about Management and leadership related books and career related courses, now Google has become my Consultant for “How Baking Soda helps to get rid of stench and stains” and “How garlic smell can be rid by rubbing hands on the stainless steel basin” and others.  Simple tricks but highly effective!

When I was so emersed in crunching figures and words previously, it is Amazing how I have learnt the SURVIVAL KIT in everyday life only recently as a HOMEMAKER.

In the past, my quick solution would always be to call the serviceman and buy the ready kits (despite of costs) from the shops. Now, I feel more equipped with knowledge of being able to appreciate how simple items around us can solve our daily household problems.  I start appreciating also each bit of efforts put in by my father and others in cooking and baking because there are skills in creating those pieces of tender fish slice, thick broth … and soft and moist cakes. I am far from achieving this superb culinary standard but at least, I have started to appreciate the basic things and simplicity in life.

[Maybe, this is a lesson learnt that quality in life needs not necessarily be improved by running after money.]

It’s Rewarding

Being a homemaker is rewarding? No, we don’t get paid for being the homemaker. Remember cleanliness standard is subjective? No, we don’t get a “Best Mother” or “Best Wife”"Award for that. Hee.. maybe they should start having a household cleanliness competition hosted by the TV channel. Then, at least hardworking mommies can finally get a monetary reward *lol*.

So, NOPE. Rewards are not monetary and we definitely do not ask for rewards. Instead, rewards come in the form of the “Smiles” on our kids’ faces, the better health of our family members and the very basic skills that I would never master if I were to hang on to that degree and never let go. The greatest achievement is having this opportunity now to go through a real-life preliminary course on how to be a more equipped mother/wife and homemaking. These skills will be my biggest assets when I retire and  at least I can cook decent meals for my children by then and not look bad before my future daughters-in-law *haha*.  When I start asking my future daughters-in-law to be more equipped mothers, they cannot call me “the pot calling the kettle black” *haha*.

[I suppose these skills will be the most valuable then and no amount of education or career experience then can help me achieve that.]

Tired I may be. Routines, they sure are. Nothing pleases me more than having our boys snatching away pieces of my cookies when it is still cooling down from the oven, Papa Ed raising his thumbs up for a meal well-cooked and Darren offering to help me with chores and our boys voluntarily pouring me those cups of water when I am exhausted.

Hmm…I am starting to believe in those words “How you treat others, they will treat you similarly“.

In the good sense, this will be my greatest reward:)