It’s only human.

When we are criticised…

we tend to take that defensive approach and start to DISAGREE.  It is even more true when our children pass negative remarks on us.

When our kids talk back…

we are quick to judge it as being RUDE and DEFIANT.

I remember how my mom would often stand to her defence with that common remark (literally translated as) :”I eat salt more than you eat rice” when I commented on her. Then she would get angry and refused to talk to me for days.

[She meant that she has more life experience and I am not qualified to give her any word of advice. Noting that my mom is quick in taking comments sensitively, I have been cautious to pass any negative remarks on her all these years.]

As a parent today…

I am not spared from challenges and mini lectures or nagging reminders or talking back from our boys either. Especially when I have a soon turning 12 pre-teen, this trend is becoming common each day.

Honestly, at first, I was offended. I couldn’t accept that our mini boy, who has been a child in my eyes, is in a position to “BOSS” me. In fact, I felt the need to defend and even retaliate with lectures for our boy once I sensed the hostility against me. At the end, both sides got upset. I know by using the “I am your mom” approach, I could get our boy to give upat least for that moment.  However, the “debate” returned on another day.

As the frequencies increase, I start to realise….

Hey! Our boy is growing and he is starting to have a mind of his own. When he senses something that is not sensible, he has the right to question.  More often than we think is necessary, our kids need to be convinced more than to be commanded.

We teach our kids not to be reserved, voice out their concerns/doubts and be prepared to be a responsible adult. Yet, we are often not open-minded enough to let them voice out at home. By defending even when we might not be right, are we really teaching them to be responsible beings who admit their mistakes and get along with others? By shutting them up with mono-syllabus replies like “STOP!” and “QUIET!”, we might be merely building resentment.

It’s so natural for us to draw a clear boundary of no-nonsense from our kids with remarks like:

“Is this how you talk to your father?”, “What I am doing is none of your business and it is not up to you to lecture me.”, “I am your mother and I do not need you to remind me or tell me what to do!” and “I say do this means you do it. Please do not argue or challenge me!”

Sounds familiar? 

I have learned to accept changes and reality….

Parent’s ego does not apply here. It is about listening, agreeing and respecting the young minds.  When we consider our kids young, they often develop faster than we thought.

Now, I am learning to respond according to situations. In the past when our elder boy starts VOICING OUT his UNHAPPINESS or CHALLENGE ME on my OPINIONS/INSTRUCTIONS, I would be fast to reprimand. Then, I realise it is important to explain too because the tricks lie in our kids not being convinced and having doubts to follow instuctions blindly.

Like the other day, Brendan was “lecturing” me that I should remember to turn on the power supply of his computer notebook when it is in use or it will end up with flat battery when he starts it next. I kept quiet. Then he went on and on…Ha! I know in the past I would just say “I don’t need you to teach your mother what to do.”

But then, I decided to change my approach. The approach is simple. I just had to agree with his reasonable nagging and  replied “okay” (remember it has to be REASONABLE).  Strangely, the nagging stopped.

[Give our young one a little respect and they will give it back.]

Then on other occasions, he would go “Mommy, you should this…..that…. OR Why …….”. I realised that it is easier to manage situation without taking offence and by agreeing with a “Okay” or explaining in light-hearted atmosphere, I am allowing our boy to voice reasonable requests/concerns and letting him know that his views are being respected.

In fact, it brings us a step closer:)

Does It Hurt to Say “Okay”?

I am glad that I am gradually learning that it is “OKAY” for our children to point out our mistakes. Nobody is perfect and by reflecting and showing them that we are willing to admit our mistakes, we are teaching them to be responsible for their actions. I know only by NOT JUMPING to our defence, it will encourage our kids to open their hearts and tell us their views and concerns and their displeasure with us.

Why not? Especially when a seriously regarded reply of “Okay” wins us Family Peace and Kids’ respect?

As parents, it is often judgement call as to what is considered as an appropriate set of behaviours and at which development stage of our young ones. While others might deem it as offensive for their kids to talk back or voice their opinions on their parents, I think it is perfectly alright (the clue lies in listening to the content of challenge first. I do put my foot down when our kids get unreasonable at times). Communications tear down walls between parents and kids. I would rather that our boys voice it out than store the displeasure in them. At least, it clears the air, bringing us a step closer.

Frankly, from now on I should start getting concerned only when our boys stop voicing out or challenging us.

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