When your children make mistakes, what is your method of discipline?

Sigh!  I have my hard time too with my children!

Others often think I have no issues with my children since Brendan is a quiet, hardworking and organised boy who performs well academically, while Darren is bubbly, sociable and brings tremendous joy to our life.

What others do not see is we are disturbed by our children’s behaviours too as they develop and at certain point as they venture, we are concerned whether they know what is the right or wrong course of actions or behaviours.  “Repeated mistakes” and “Dishonesty” give me the most headache, especially after much reminders and lectures.

It becomes extra challenging when our children do not respond well to both soft or hard approaches. Our greatest difficulty at this point, parenting a 6-year old and a 10-year old boys, is that the former becomes extremely reserved when we try to understand the situation better, while the latter tends to give us some “attitude” reactions and avoid telling the truth when we do not handle the situations tactfully. [Yes, our children are capable of making us blow our top. They can also make us really helpless.]

Over time, we realise that we cannot use the same approach for our two very “different” boys *frown*. As they develop their characters and grow with age, we somehow have to master our skills in observations, adjustments, and patience to learn how to handle the situations appropriately. At times, we have to be mindful too on how our children “watch” us while we discipline them individually.

After all these years of being someone’s child and someone’s mother, I recognise that the appropriate displinary methods depend on the situations and personality of the child. So, there are still alot for us to learn and appreciate in this “ART OF DISCIPLINE” *sigh*.

TO DISCIPLINE, WHAT ARE PARENTS’ USUAL APPROACHES?

As parents, do you do these?  

1) practise the “penalty” methods (eg. The child is grounded, favourite items confiscated, pocket money reduced.)

    - Does your child truly appreciate what is truly wrong with his/her actions besides only being mindful that his belongings will be confiscated?]

2) resort to loud scolding, caning, continuous nagging, and interrogation.

   - Does your child get the correct message amidst the loud scolding and caning and how will this method affect their own handling of other’s mistakes in the future? Will the child be willing to share    MORE or the TRUTH in the “interrogation” atmosphere? And for all the continous nagging, will our child understand a word or how receptive is our growing child to these nagging?

3) leave the child to face the consequence of his/her mistakes.

4) seek professional or other’s help.

5) adopt “inspirational” method. Use actual incidents in life to get the child to understand the consequences, and also exercise patience to explain to the child the outcome.

OUR STORIES. OUR CHALLENGES. OUR BELIEF.

I never agree with resorting to violent punishments, loud scolding, yelling or caning of children.  Of course, when my boy starts aguing or finding excuses to cover his mistakes or even gets really outrageous, I have my limits too… and that is when I will adopt the “DON”T FOOL WITH ME” very serious attitude and SCOLD. However, I am mindful not to allow my temperament to “rule” my head, to avoid saying irreversible words that will not only be “unhelpful to the situations” but also enable my child to learn in the wrong way.

Sometimes, after repeated warnings and our child repeatedly makes the same mistakes, we try to “be mistaken as heartless” and let our child learn a real lesson in reality.  Like for Darren, he has the habit of not paying attention when instructed on school homeworks and other details.  As a result, he often is not able to tell us what the teacher has instructed. We fret about it. We lectured him. Still…it continues. Then Papa Ed suggested that we let him be scolded by Teacher as the Teacher will have her own way of disciplining him.

I am no discliplinary expert.  However, I realise that finding the correct timing and atmosphere to manage the child is important.  Whatever the  approach, getting the correct message across is the most important so that the child truly understands the outcome and appreciates the lesson.

Though Brendan is not always receptive to our “initial” confrontation and advice…..

I always find other opportunities when we have all cooled down, to talk to him.  Sometimes, when situations get tense or when he is not cooperating, I stop talking to him for days. This helps me to cool down, show him that he has crossed my boundary and give him time to reflect what he has done wrong.  Then, there are times, after a few days of tension, when Brendan will write me a letter to communicate with me on how he has realised his mistakes.  Hmmm… why do I often find myself so “badly battled” before we achieve this state?

For Darren, things do not get easier……

Though I always comfort myself that he is still young. Loud scolding will only make him “quiet” and refused to share.  I agree we can get real mad when our child does not respond to scolding.  I am also not sure how much he can appreciate the “inspirational stories” and “outcomes of the mistakes”.  Afterall, he is only 6 years old …..

I understand the frustrations of our children not understanding our kind intentions behind the discipline.  I, too, constantly remind myself and Papa Ed to think rationally before we lose our temper and overlook the real purpose of the discipline. 

In some families, both parents MIGHT NOT adopt same disciplinary approach.  To tell the truth, I have a fair challenge of this too. So, daddy and mommy will also have much to learn and agree upon, when it comes to Respecting each other in parenting approaches and Be Consistent.

DO YOU AGREE?

11 Responses to “When Your Children Make Mistakes”