See Eye To Eye
Not all the times will married couples see eye to eye on things. We know that.
Mutual respect. Common understandings. Acceptance of each other’s shortcomings. Self sacrifice. Accomodating each other’s likes and dislikes…….. These are what couples have to learn and accept in a marriage. Of course, there is another joyous side of marriage.
[Anyway, this is not what we are going to touch on in this post.]
Sometimes, it gets sensitive when it comes to NOT Seeing Eye to Eye on kids’ matters. To me, this is no exception.
Once, Papa Ed and I had different opinions on sending Brendan for an inter-school debate.
To Papa:
Participating in the debate is likely to build up Brendan’s confidence, articulation and exposure.
To Me:
Brendan already has alot of school pressure and other commitments. Participating in the debate will further occupy many hours of his time to prepare for the debate sessions, in addition to his other extended school hours and also huge piles of school homework everyday. All I want is to let him have that little time to also rest and relax….. and not to give him unnecessary pressure, taking part in more competitions and tests.
[Already he has to be committed to prepare for his music examinations and Math Olympiad competition. Having to study Chinese as Higher Mother Tongue this year has also given him much pressure.]
So it was difficult to agree. As parents, we both have his welfare at heart. I know if we were to ask Brendan to determine whose advice to heed, he will always take Mommy’s decision as final.
In this case, I didn’t want to compel him and influence him with our different reasonings. Since Brendan is of considerable age to make decision for this case, we concurred to let him decide, without being influenced by any of us.
And…Our boy decided not to participate eventually after he checked that no classmate registered for this competition. In this case, he decided based on peer influence and he was happy with his decision. He felt that he needed those precious time to build up other activities. We respected his decision.
So, this is one instance.
………………
In the upbringing of our children, as parents, we might not always be standing on common ground to AGREE on what is best for our children.
Take these for instance:
- One parent could dote on the child and let the child carry on with his/her way as long as he/she is happy. The other parent might feel otherwise.
- One parent could have high expectations on the child. The other parent might find it too demanding.
- One parent could want the child to pursue the same education or career line as the parent. The other parent might find it unreasonable.
- One parent could believe in only excelling academically. The other parent might pursue overall development of the child.
Whatever the situations, how do you have an amicable solution when you FAIL TO SEE EYE TO EYE WITH YOUR SPOUSE? Are you always the one who accomodates or the one who demands? What’s the best for our children?
I will be glad to hear you share.
I think you had a great solution, to let Brendan decide from himself. :) For us, we usually talk (or sometimes even argue) it out, or pray about it together, until we come to some consensus, rather than to sweep it under the carpet where it would fester. I guess its a fine balance!
That’s what makes our life colorful. As a mother of three full grown up kids, I find ways to make things easy to understand.I don’t rush into things. Like sending them to college and what course they want to take. I lay everything on the table. And allow time for each of us to decide. Above all seek the help of the One who knows everything.
Jus: I hope your little one has recovered. You have made a good point of never sweeping the disagreements under the carpet for it to fester. Thanks!
Dondi: Thanks for the valuable advice. It is right to let the kids know the alternatives and let them decide when they are of considerable age. At least, they have the chance to develop their independant thinking and exercise a freedom of choice.
We share with Brendan different options when a common decision becomes difficult and usually he will also ask lots of questions. However, sometimes, he will stilll not feel confident unless he seeks other’s opinions. Somehow, he tends to opine my views.
hi,
i m also a mother of 3 n 1/2 yr old baby gal …sometimes i also feel dat i m having too much expectations from her…i wan her to be topper i everything she do…bt i learned so much from ur post..thanks 4 sharing :)
we all are learning as a parent and at times it can be vy challening.
the hubby opt to leave most final decision on domestic matters to me, so most of the time, it’s me who have the final say.
it could be a good thing, for we don’t have that many not seeing eye to eye moments. but when there are, we talk it out, listen to the other party’s opinions and weight the pros and cons.
Hi Rachel, thanks for sharing. It is useful for couples to patiently discuss the merits of a certain decision together. This will ensure that a common consensus has been sought and no hanging feeling after that.
Hi Amrit, it is natural for us to be topper in everything our kids do. We can learn to take things easier but sometimes we do need reminders from our spouse or others too.
I have to state, you chose your words well. The ideas you wrote on your encounters are well placed. This is an incredible blog!