Posts Tagged ‘sibling rivalry’

SIBLING RIVALRY.  As a parent, I wish I had a sibling before to understand why our 2 boys argue endlessly on most days and yet chat non-stop on other days.

Arghh!  It’s meaningless scouting for the “SPARKS” that cause the constant fiery arguments in our boys because it would just happen ANYWHERE and ANYTIME.

Then when it got onto my nerves  - I started googling and reading about the issue and I found out that it is perfectly NORMAL for SIBLING RIVALRY as long as they don’t turn violent.

In fact, SIBLING RIVALRY is a basic part and parcel of life and it can be constructive if managed well and enable kids to compromise and resolve issues.

However, parents might play a part in aggravating sibling rivalry if we do not manage it properly. Sometimes, we are too soon to play judge. Then, we are fast in reprimanding the eldest one. At other times, we forget to be mindful of our own actions eg. showing favouritism or mismanaging our own ways of handling an argument.  Eventually, we let in our emotions and complicate the already tensed situations.

So what cause SIBLING RIVALRY and what are some useful tips for parents in dealing with it?

Causes of Sibling Rivalry

(source : KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital Health Pedia)

1) Evolving needs: Children’s changing needs, anxieties and identities do affect how they relate to one another. For example, toddlers are naturally protective of their toys and belongings and are learning to assert their will. School age children often have a strong concept of fairness and equality, so might not understand why siblings of other ages are treated differently or may feel like one child gets preferential treatment. Teenagers, on the other hand, are developing a sense of individuality and independence, and are not happy to help with household responsiblities, taking care of younger siblings, or even having to spend time together.

2) Individual temperaments: Children’s individual temperaments, including mood, disposition and adaptability, play a major role in how well they get along.

3) Special needs/sick child: Sometimes, a child’s special needs due to illness or learning/emotional issues may require more parental time. Siblings may pick up on this disparity and act out to get attention or out of fear.

4) Role models: The way that parents resolve problems and disagreements is a strong example. If parents work through conflicts in a respectful, productive and non aggressive way, the chances are that children will also adopt these methods when resolving issues/problems with one another. If adults routinely shout, slam doors and loudly argue, siblings are likely to do the same.

Dealing With Sibling Rivalry in Older Children

Useful Parenting Tips

(source : KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital Health Pedia)

1) You do not need to feel upset or inadequate if your children are always fighting. Sibling rivalry is a natural process of growing up and it is good for them to fight, make up and fight again.

2) Only interfere in arguments when they get violent. Otherwise, do not be too eager to step in. They learn confidence and self-reliance if they can fight their own battles and sort out their own mess. In any case, you will never be there for them forever.

3) Do not try to be a judge or referee. Taking sides is a no-win situation. You will always be accused of favouritism. If you need to make a decision, hear both sides out, and be objective and consistent. The decision should be brief and precise

4) The “no-violence” rule must be made a hard and fast one, which must abided by at all times in the home for all the children.

5) Labelling, whether positive or negative, adds unnecessary pressure on the children. Likewise, do not live your unfulfilled dreams through your children. They should be encouraged to develop according to their talents and ability.

6) Never make comparisons between the children. Sometimes parents also forget and make comparisons between children and outsiders e.g. classmates, neighbours and cousins. Comparisons, especially when they are negative, will heighten the intensity of sibling rivalry.

7) Anticipate trouble spots and pick up the “danger signs” early.

8. Protect your children against one another when they get physically violent. Sometimes, it is the older sibling who requires your protection more than the younger one. Very often, the older sibling is expected to give in to the younger sibling without considering the fact that the older child is also one who has his own needs too.

9) Try behaviour modification and reward system. Good behaviours should be highlighted and praised. But when one child misbehaves, do not hesitate to remove the reward.

10) Ensure that each child has his own private space where he can be alone and where he can keep his toys, books etc. Ensure that your other children respect this private space.

The next time when our children squabble and as long as they don’t get into a physical fight or violence, the key word is RELAX!

REMINDER: I must learn to cover my ears but open my eyes (in case they turn violent) and stay COOL and step in only when it is time *smile*.

To read more on sibling rivalry, you may find some interesting articles here:

Kids’ Health

Thestaronline

UMHS