Archive for the ‘Bonding : Family building’ Category

Yesterday, I was at a restaurant and was entertained by a mom at the next table lecturing loudly at her teenage daughter.

Mom: “I called out your name and you ignored me. Even the waitress at the counter and your brother heard me calling, turned and looked at me but you ignored me!”

Daughter: “I didn’t hear.”

Mom:”You didn’t hear? You trying to lie to me or yourself or God? Let’s see how God punish you for how you treat your mother!”

Daughter: “I didn’t hear.”

Mom repeated what she had said earlier and went on:”You think you will be here without me? Don’t act like yaya papaya. You think you are old enough to treat your mom like this by ignoring me when I called out for you?”

Daughter remained quiet and looked down (apparently embarrassed by the mom’s non-stop loud nagging).

Mom was more furious that daughter was quiet and exclaimed: “How do you treat your mother? You refused to say sorry and embarrassed is it and keep looking down? You keep use your handphone. If not for me, will you own a handphone? Ungrateful……*blah blah blah*”

——

The scenario… The mom went on and on and on for about 15 minutes while the daughter chose to remain quiet. I was sure the next table, next next table and so forth would have heard her. I do not understand what wrong the daughter had done before the mother broke into a merciless scolding for a long 15 minutes. I understand sometimes when our children push our patience to the limits, we could get carried away with our lectures.

[However, in this case, if I were the daughter, I wouldn't like it too to be screamed at, be attacked by a series of ''verbal cannon balls" continuously and loudly in a crowded public place (worse in school uniform) while sitting there enduring quietly just cause I have to wait for my meal to be served.]

I was disturbed by the mother’s incessant scolding which showed no mercy for her teenager’s ego. By the time, she has finished, I looked at Brendan and wondered “Oops! Have I been so long-winded before but I didn’t realise? Have I ever gone overboard too when scolding him and overlook his ego when I am pushed to extreme tolerance?” HOPE NOT.  Sometimes, we are so fast to learn from other’s mistakes but we fail to look at our own.

I know the mom’s lecture did not work because as soon as she walked off to make payment, her daughter started to get chatty with her brother (oh dear! badmouthing the mom) and I was suddenly awakened: “Oh No! I need to get less emo sometimes and remember never to throw my son’s face in public before I build that similar resentment in my kid.”

I wish I could give the same awakening call to that mother who obviously scolded her daughter for the daughter’s good but with an ineffective communications method.

——

As a mother of a soon teenager, our elder boy has certainly made clear his list of DON’T DO by parents in PUBLIC PLACES.

(When our kids grow, they definitely display their likes and dislikes obviously through gestures and COMPLAINTS and even Cold Wars. Each individual kid is different.)

So, it’s adjustment time …. I have to give myself a kick to do to the best of my ability in adhering to these golden PARENTING RULES in PUBLIC PLACES for our preteen which are

NOT TO :

- reprimand in public (Even at the lowest volume). Tough especially when parents are fast to spot on mistakes of their kids and correct them but with growing up kids, parents must practise additional perseverance.

- give a kiss even if he does us proud (typical of our Asian culture not to show affection in public)

- let friends know that his parents are ferrying him to and from school (they like to be regarded as independant)

- hold his hands in front of friends or peer (for fear of being referred to as mommy’s boy)

- follow along when with friends

- exclaim even if tripped (big boy can pick himself up)

- help him buy food in canteen or rush to carry his heavy loaded stuff 

- use improper adjectives eg. lousy, silly etc.

As parents, we feel the need to discipline our kids and we tend to overlook that our methods of discipline has to be adjusted too as they grow and we tend to overlook whether we are inviting more resentment and hurting ego.  So often, we get too involved that we tend to get frustrated in why our parenting methods that used to work before does not work on our children any more at later stage.

We are children once. I am sure we didn’t like to be embarrassed and our esteem definitely cost a zillion pound too.

* To hubby: In case I get too emo, let’s remind ourselves constantly of the GOLDEN PARENTING RULES in PUBLIC PLACES.*

I realise…

Spending more time together can be destructive if it means also getting on each other’s nerves more frequently and minding each other’s business too much.

To make the best of spending more time together…..

 Remember.

 Nag just enough,

Complain less,

Engage in activities together,

Mind less of each other’s business,

Communicate more but constructively,

Respect each other’s way of living and presence,

Think less of our pride - Give in.

I guess fiction arises when two persons spend more time together but with communications breaking down.

In our daily conversations, Darren taught me: “Mommy, I read that to live to an old age, we must MIND OUR OWN BUSINESS.”

Yeah! A golden tip in life:) *one that we often forget - when we spend more time with another person, we become nosy*.

This is really a timely reminder when I am spending more time with growing up boys. 

I am so loving every minute of the time I spend with our boys everyday although they do get on my nerves sometimes (or all the times)…*haha*

Me: “Why are you not taking your own bath? By the way, why are you being fed?”

Darren:”Because grandma says I will be cleaner if she helps me bathe. She also says I will eat faster if she feeds me.”

*******

Me:”Why are you not putting on your underwear?”

Darren:”Because grandma says since I am going to wear it when I go to school, I don’t need to wear it now.”

*******

My Mom:”I heard that you have been allowing the boys to go to the public toilet by themselves.”

Me: “Yes. They have each other’s company.”

My Mom:”It’s better that you do not let them go to the public toilet on their own, in case of kidnapping.”

Me:”How then do I enter the Gents with them since I am a lady?”

My Mom:”Just keep watch over them and don’t let them out of your sight.”

******

I agree. We, similarly, love our children or grandchildren. However, we show our love in different ways. There is bound to be different upbringing approaches when our kids are taken care by different people.

If I were to say that our kids are like KITES….sometimes just when I am releasing the kite a little higher into the sky, I feel a second pair of hands pulling back the string.  This forms a resistance to allow our kids to venture out and be independant. When we have a second set of control for our kids, it can be frustrating.

I wonder how many of you feel the same way?

As an only child, when I was given the permit to be independant, it was with much reluctance and resistance from my mom. It was a mom’s love to show that it is hard to let go. I recalled how my mom would volunteer to watch over my school break meals and even to accompany me to secondary school until she was comfortable that I had a good friend who was my travel companion. I guess a mom’s concern for her child never stops and even when I am a mother with two kids now, mom still maintains the habit to advise, ensuring that I keep our boys out of all potential danger.

So. Is it fear of loss, fear of being powerless or fear of risks : which causes reluctance for parents to let go of their kids?  Touching on this, here’s a meaningful poem for parents to ponder over.

To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.
To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !

Author: Unknown