Archive for the ‘Bonding : Family building’ Category

SIBLING RIVALRY.  As a parent, I wish I had a sibling before to understand why our 2 boys argue endlessly on most days and yet chat non-stop on other days.

Arghh!  It’s meaningless scouting for the “SPARKS” that cause the constant fiery arguments in our boys because it would just happen ANYWHERE and ANYTIME.

Then when it got onto my nerves  - I started googling and reading about the issue and I found out that it is perfectly NORMAL for SIBLING RIVALRY as long as they don’t turn violent.

In fact, SIBLING RIVALRY is a basic part and parcel of life and it can be constructive if managed well and enable kids to compromise and resolve issues.

However, parents might play a part in aggravating sibling rivalry if we do not manage it properly. Sometimes, we are too soon to play judge. Then, we are fast in reprimanding the eldest one. At other times, we forget to be mindful of our own actions eg. showing favouritism or mismanaging our own ways of handling an argument.  Eventually, we let in our emotions and complicate the already tensed situations.

So what cause SIBLING RIVALRY and what are some useful tips for parents in dealing with it?

Causes of Sibling Rivalry

(source : KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital Health Pedia)

1) Evolving needs: Children’s changing needs, anxieties and identities do affect how they relate to one another. For example, toddlers are naturally protective of their toys and belongings and are learning to assert their will. School age children often have a strong concept of fairness and equality, so might not understand why siblings of other ages are treated differently or may feel like one child gets preferential treatment. Teenagers, on the other hand, are developing a sense of individuality and independence, and are not happy to help with household responsiblities, taking care of younger siblings, or even having to spend time together.

2) Individual temperaments: Children’s individual temperaments, including mood, disposition and adaptability, play a major role in how well they get along.

3) Special needs/sick child: Sometimes, a child’s special needs due to illness or learning/emotional issues may require more parental time. Siblings may pick up on this disparity and act out to get attention or out of fear.

4) Role models: The way that parents resolve problems and disagreements is a strong example. If parents work through conflicts in a respectful, productive and non aggressive way, the chances are that children will also adopt these methods when resolving issues/problems with one another. If adults routinely shout, slam doors and loudly argue, siblings are likely to do the same.

Dealing With Sibling Rivalry in Older Children

Useful Parenting Tips

(source : KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital Health Pedia)

1) You do not need to feel upset or inadequate if your children are always fighting. Sibling rivalry is a natural process of growing up and it is good for them to fight, make up and fight again.

2) Only interfere in arguments when they get violent. Otherwise, do not be too eager to step in. They learn confidence and self-reliance if they can fight their own battles and sort out their own mess. In any case, you will never be there for them forever.

3) Do not try to be a judge or referee. Taking sides is a no-win situation. You will always be accused of favouritism. If you need to make a decision, hear both sides out, and be objective and consistent. The decision should be brief and precise

4) The “no-violence” rule must be made a hard and fast one, which must abided by at all times in the home for all the children.

5) Labelling, whether positive or negative, adds unnecessary pressure on the children. Likewise, do not live your unfulfilled dreams through your children. They should be encouraged to develop according to their talents and ability.

6) Never make comparisons between the children. Sometimes parents also forget and make comparisons between children and outsiders e.g. classmates, neighbours and cousins. Comparisons, especially when they are negative, will heighten the intensity of sibling rivalry.

7) Anticipate trouble spots and pick up the “danger signs” early.

8. Protect your children against one another when they get physically violent. Sometimes, it is the older sibling who requires your protection more than the younger one. Very often, the older sibling is expected to give in to the younger sibling without considering the fact that the older child is also one who has his own needs too.

9) Try behaviour modification and reward system. Good behaviours should be highlighted and praised. But when one child misbehaves, do not hesitate to remove the reward.

10) Ensure that each child has his own private space where he can be alone and where he can keep his toys, books etc. Ensure that your other children respect this private space.

The next time when our children squabble and as long as they don’t get into a physical fight or violence, the key word is RELAX!

REMINDER: I must learn to cover my ears but open my eyes (in case they turn violent) and stay COOL and step in only when it is time *smile*.

To read more on sibling rivalry, you may find some interesting articles here:

Kids’ Health

Thestaronline

UMHS

Almost two months into my adjusted “Stay At Home” lifestyle, I still have friends commenting “Good life! You must be enjoying life being so FREE now.”

Routines…..

Huh?? “FREE”???

It’s a luxury I cannot afford. The “ROUTINES” are drowning me. If I could have a little bit of time out of these routines for self-pamper, I usually grab it gladly.

Contrary to what friends thought….

My days now start earlier than usual at the moment Brendan goes to school early in the morning. Then there is the rushing to complete some cleaning and washing, sending Darren off, tending to Yuki before I settle lunch again for Brendan who comes home in the early afternoon.

Sometimes, I wish I could enjoy a long afternoon nap or wake up only when the sun shines through.  That, however remains a wish. With Primary School Leaving Examinations (PSLE) round the corner, afternooons mean giving tuitions to Brendan or rushing him to others for tuition or running errands or fetching him home from extended days at school. Luckily, I have my dad who cooks dinner on my behalf on busier days. Otherwise, evenings are again for cooking, baking and then cleaning and more tuitions (this time for Darren), then spending some ”play or relax time with out boys” and then more housework.  Before I know it, it’s often already wee hours of the night and I am dead beat if I could only squeeze some energy to mark some of our boys’  homeworks or have a short chat with Papa Ed.

So, SAHM’s life is not luxurious.

A mother’s confession…..

I do miss those date nights in the past when I could enjoy a silent dinner with Papa Ed in privacy.

I do miss those days when I could sit in the comfort of an air-conditioned office - using my brain power mostly to plan and decide, spending my hand and brain power on emails/reports and signing documents, and exercising my listening and communication skills during meetings. I especially miss those lunch times when I could chat with colleagues and friends.

I do miss those days when I could spend more freely with own’s earning power and not to forget those training and travelling opportunities.

I am most afraid that my hands will turn hard and rough. I have been constantly applying moisturiser on my hands because those detergents can be so harmful to our delicate hands and they can get so painful /itchy when they crack/dry. Those gloves can be so cumbersome.

I admit no matter how superior we could be at work “bossing” others in the past, it is ironical that at home we end up wondering whether our kids or ourselves are the boss sometimes.

When patience runs thin having to put up with disobedient or bickering kids with long hours at home, many times I am so near to the verge of blowing my top. I have never recalled myself so near to losing my cool even during the most challenging moments in office. I guess with our kids, it is harder to maintain our composure when they simply refuse to obey sometimes.

I am really a clumsy homemaker and had a fall (after slipping on wet floor mopped by Darren) and ended up with a bruised palm and injured tailbone. Haha..I guess my usual diet of calcium has helped me to recover fast or either I am an obstinate bull. Doctor ordered two weeks’ rest but I choose to continue slogging and walking despite a painful injury. I am still on my feet, rushing here and there…

So, life remains a race and challenge with or without my other career hat to wear …..

After slightly more than a month, I was trying to break out of the routines…

Now.

I am glad I find time to brisk walk/jog with Darren every morning. Seriously, these housework and daily exercises have improved my stamina and I feel much healthier.

When Brendan is on extended days or having tuitions, I opt to enjoy my rare moments of facial/self-care sessions, reading at the library and shopping. Brendan and I spend short moments in the late afternoons on exercises.  On other days, I get to catch up with friends for lunch. 

Be Positive…..

Lifestyle has changed. For a moment, it can be demoralising if we have to keep comparing with what we used to be able to accomplish or afford while being a career woman.

Accepting a new life and looking at it positively, being a SAHM has its many positive aspects.

I am a more well-balanced person now. When I used to emphasise more on sitting (hee..hence building a mini belly in the past) and using my brain power, I now exercise my brain and also physical energy together and yet have more time to keep fit and ensure a more healthy lifestyle for the family too with healthier diet.

Nope. I do not allow our boys to rely on my presence at home to depend on me. Instead, building their independance is my first priority when I first set to be at home. Now, they help in performing simple household chores, pack their own room and have more appreciation of hardwork of what used to be their parents’ and domestic helpers’.

The moments I cherish most are the regular communications I have, individually, with our boys now and having our elder Brendan telling me that he understands that I give up a career to spend more time with them.

Frankly, this might not be the preferred lifestyle that I choose to lead BUT it is definitely a rewarding one measured by an enhanced BONDING and the healthy and better development of our boys.

This is what no amount of hard-earned money can buy.

Some days, I wonder why they are such loggerheads with each other. They get on each other’s nerves and ARGUEeeee.

Sometimes, I wonder what they gain from winning in an argument and seeing the other one pissed off. 

These are moments when ear plug doesn’t help *sigh*.

Just when it is absolutely getting on my nerves, I found comfort in these words.

“My boys quarrel all the time. They never get along or have any friendly exchanges at all,” a friend commented.

Aha! That means our boys are not that bad after all. True. They are in argument 50% of the time, 30% sleeping but at least 20% of the time in HARMONY.

I am so hoping that the 50% would reduce to 40% and less and less. Maybe, my dream would come true soon. At least, if our preteen matures soon. Perhaps, that’s why they are called KIDS. Sibling rivalry is unavoidable.  If I had a sibling before, perhaps I would better understand.

One thing I know for sure. They do not HATE each other. These moments tell it all….

.

 I have always loved this song “He Ain’t Heavy. He Is My Brother”.

Now. This song is especially MEANINGFUL.

Special dedication to our boys, Papa Ed and Bro Eddie.

Extracted from lyrics
So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We’ll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me

If I’m laden at all
I’m laden with sadness
That everyone’s heart
Isn’t filled with the gladness
Of love for one another.

I hope this meaning would go a long way for our boys.